Dear California,

 Today I scoured the aisles of 4 different Ralphs and Vons looking for apple cider.

What is your frocking damage? In New England we have so much of this crap the locals sweat it out of their pores and we end up re-selling it to the Japanese as local delicacy “New Englandese Pocari Sweat, Cider Flavoured”. Yet, when asked for the location of this ambrosia, all the stockmonkeys at the store point me towards the bottled juice aisles. There isn’t a single pulp-ridden apple cider gallon jug, barely pasteurised and refrigerated, to be found here. Don’t any of your tax-ridden hellhole state’s slackjawed natives WANT to even taste this nectar?  

California, you frocking suck. The following are NOT apple cider

a) Apple Juice with 720 grams of sugar in a millilitre

b) Pedialyte

c) Sparkling juice in bottles made to look like wine

d) De-alcoholised alcohol

e) Sprite

It isn’t enough that I’ve given up cranberry bogs, bog fog, rustley leaves, Ichabod Crane, rain, water winds and the smell of mulch to live in this desert paradise. Now it turns out I’ve given up honest-to-god pulpy apple cider too.

I hate you. Now be hot and sunny tomorrow so I’m reminded of why I moved here in the first place.

Sincerely,

 Monkey