Heh-that’s a shoutout to a vintage mystery novel ;)

I haven’t talked about my cat J much recently, though things are definitely afoot.

For one thing, I was planning on buying this bed, remember, which never happened and now I’m actually sitting on top of my money clenching it tightly because MSNBC is talking “Wirld Resheshun!” and my mind is screaming “zombies!” and also reminding itself that as a govt lawyer in a (currently) very hot industry and relevant agency, and as a shrink, my sister and I seem to have the world’s reasonably safer jobs right now and what if we are all forced to move into a 1880s farmhouse in Brookline and live communally or something? I mean, I truly hope it doesn’t come to that. But my mom works in retail finance (though she did incredibly well last quarter) and my dad’s a metallurgist and yes they’re both very senior and it doesn’t make sense to fire your Top Saleswoman 5 Years Running and that Weird Indian Man who Invents Everything Our Company Produces but you never know, do you? I don’t have much faith in…say “logic” anymore. It’s kind of like when you see these morons on TV talking about how Palin is a “fresh” voice and they just repeat it over and over again and I don’t understand what’s so FRESH about her, OR her voice, you know? It’s just one of those statements that’s out there, sans support, that people like to intone mindlessly. And I’ll admit that Obama and McCain have a few of the same relentlessly bandied taglines but for some reason Palin’s bothers me more than theirs do. Wait where was I? Oh yeah, I put off buying my bed because what if I have to support my mom and dad on my pauperish-though-dependable govt salary?

So, the tangent about the bed was kind of relevant only because my friend got all Asian-duplicitous in the house and was like “oh yeah, just say your cat got a UTI and ruined the bed”. Portentous.

J did get a UTI, or rather, “crystals” in his urine. However, he left the bed alone and decided to go for my EXPENSIVE DRY CLEAN CLOTHES (lying in a bag to be taken to the cleaners on the floor) as well as multiple piles of laundry. The first time it happened I kind of brushed it off as maybe him getting confused between the laundry and the litter-because my parents’ cat Gundu DOES in fact think that laundry is just “extra plush” litter for his urinary pleasure (he has been tested for a UTI 5 times at 5 different vets so we now realise he’s just a moron). But then he (J, that is) got to doing that “excessive licking” and well…it’s just that Gundu is a “special” cat and what applies to him doesn’t usually apply to the average cat. I mean, he’s loveable as heck but there has always been something a little “off” about him and I could see him qualifying for feline social services were any available. Like the time he decided this hideous WalMart comforter my parents have in the house was an ACTUAL rosebush and he would keep snapping at the roses and trying to nuzzle them the way he does real flowers (batting etc.) and then he’d cry sort of piteously as in “why dost these roses not brush their velvet soft petals against mine nose?” And then do it again. And cry again. So my father would have to kneel down next to him and talk to him (in Marathi, Gundu is straight up enclaved you guys) gently, explaining that the comforter wasn’t an actual rosebush and see, here’s a rose, let me brush it against your face but the picture on the comforter is NOT a rose but it didn’t really take. Eventually Gundu’s frustrations and pitiful confusion were too much for us to deal with so the comforter was hidden away. Except then my mom came back from WalMart with a doormat festooned with cabbage roses and the same drama played out until we all took a stand as a family and decided no more rose covered items while Gundu lived. There are other things too…like the fact that he’s petrified of mice. I mean, god love Gundu, he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, doesn’t actually even really understand how to retract his claws, bless his soul (though it is amusing to see him get freaked out by his claws coming out) or bite…but he’s just really f’king stupid, you know? So the fact that laundry in a basket = litterz! is totally in keeping with his personality. 

J, while he doesn’t approach the intellect of Babu the Cat (rest his soul) is not below average in feline intelligence. So when he took to urinating in the laundry basket, the second and third time, I figured something was wrong. So I took him to the vet, who did many unspeakable things (at least, that is what J told me in an outraged whisper when I brought him back home). For one thing, the vet squeezed his bum and evacuated those glands because J had been doing the scooch-butt maneuver across the floor. He keeps doing that though, so I may take him back again in a few weeks because he may be in need of a worming (though there is no evidence of worms in the poop or whatever). Then the vet did some masterful bladder squashing kung fu and obtained a urine sample which came back positive for the UTI crystals.

And so poor beleagured J was put on Science Diet S/D food, which reduces the pH of the urine to eliminate the crystals. I don’t know what caused this, as he had been doing fine on Science Diet Kitten Food (which he loves) but then I decided that at a one year and 4 months he was too old for SD Kitten and switched him over to Science Diet Oral Care. And then to regular Science Diet adult because the oral care kibble looked icky and he didn’t seem enthused about it. Shortly after he commenced with the peeing. There has been ONE pee incident since the food switch to the prescription SD s/d. I now have a standing laundry hamper with a lid, as a prophylactic measure and I don’t smell pee anywhere else in my apartment so I think things are on the mend.

HOWEVER-J haaaates the Science Diet S/D canned (“wet”) food. LOATHES. Boycotted and then mewled night and day for his Friskies Turkey ‘n Cheese. Would wake me up at 3 at night howling. Finally I relented and started giving him tiny amounts (like 2 teaspoons in the morning and night as opposed to a can a day) just to get him to shut up. I also did some research on the internet and found that a lot of these cat bladder problems start because many of our commercial foods have too many grains (esp. corn products), which may be the cause of some of these illnesses, as well as J’s earlier allergic reaction. For instance, J had a massive allergic outbreak when I tried to get him off Science Diet Kitten the first time (to IAMS adult cat). When I researched it the time, I discovered that a number of cats have very bad reactions to foods that use a lot of grain as “filler” in their kibble and switched back to SD Kitten for another 4 months (because I knew he had done okay with it for the last year). Also note, when he went back to SD Kitten he was perfectly healthy but then I was playing around with getting him on an adult cat food regimen and he got this UTI and basically ruined this adorable sweater from H&M.

So anyway, even though he’s “sort of boycotting” it (grudgingly eating, but letting me know it’s not as awesome as the Friskies), I’m trying to switch him to a higher quality (low grain high protein) wet food. Last night we tried Newman’s Own organic, but some more webresearching led me to a company called Wellness that people swear as completely having eliminated the urinary tract issues in their beloved furry friends. We’ll try that, I suppose, and a cranberry suppository I was eyeing at Petco.

Oh yeah, so the other big aspect to curing your cat’s UTI? Forcing more water down his/her gullet. And the thing is that J was always very eccentric about water. For instance, he didn’t like to drink from bowls, just from people glasses. And the water had to be very cold. Also, no Colorado River Public Water Backwash for him. J much preferred the bottled water I have for consumption in the fridge (I still use tap for cooking). Very cold mind. And in a stainless steel glass-filled up to the top so he can stick his muzzle in it. But if the amount goes down, he likes to dip a paw in and lick it off his claws.

So to increase his water intake I shelled out for the Drinkwell Cat Water Fountain. And y’all it works. Even though, as my boyfriend pointed out, third world children don’t get as much care as this ridiculous one-eyed cat does. SERIOUSLY, what kind of ungrateful wretch animal is this? I keep telling him what conditions are like for cats in India. No “running water drinking fountain continuously cleansed by a carbon filter” over there, okay? Cat food = scraps that the housemaid puts out back in a gigantic steel plate. BB has basically decided that J “has it made”.

Another thing I invested in? This Feliway Pet Hormone business (every time I tell BB about this stuff he just gets a “you really want a baby, don’t you?” look of panic in his eyes) that was supposed to “soothe” J and “calm him down” with licensed feline pheromones or something. The jury is still out on this one. I mean, HE may have been calmer but I didn’t really notice because he has yet to learn English (even though I have been on him about that) and couldn’t communicate to me whether or not he felt calmer and less stressed. He kept peeing on the laundry though, which made me think “not really”. But I continue to spray the apartment because all the advertising on the product says that they don’t like defecating/urinating in areas where they sense these particular pheromones. I also tried spraying some on him, experimentally, but he didn’t take to that.

Oh yeah-I don’t think BB likes J. And we are both well aware of how sulky J gets when BB makes an appearance. Down to refusing to be petted, or shuddering visibly when BB tries to touch him (whenever he does this I screech “your touch is like leprosy” in a squeaky voice). Also, J commits the unforgiveable sin, in BB’s eyes, of putting HAIR all over his clothes. And all over our bed. HAIR EVERYWHERE. And to top it off, the other day BB mincing around the idea of the future and I was like “but what about J” and BB acted all surprised, like wouldn’t we be giving him to someone in Boston and I was like WHAT? Why are we talking about a J-less future? What’s wrong with you? And then Weasel was all “but babes, he puts hair on everything.”

I decided not to argue about it though. I mean, there are better ways of getting what you want.