Sidle up to me, Readers. I want to give you a big old group hug for making me feel so much better last night. I’m but a mite 5′2″ but I assure you that if I can’t enclose all of you in my teeny tiny elfin arms I’ll attack each of you separately to say thank you. And this is what I love about having a small blog with intelligent readers who get me and are kind of amused by my weirdness-you guys are just so so so normal in your reactions to what I post. I still remember this time a particular mommyblogger posted something about sleep training techniques, and this is someone who obviously loves her kids a lot and had been trying everything under the sun, and OMG, all of a sudden she was the devil incarnate. All I thought about when I read that was, jesus god, I will never ever blog about my kid because I think if someone accused me of turning him/her into a serial killer by my choice of Huggies over Pampers I might just lose it all over the place.
Anyway-
Typing that all out in a rush last night before I left work made me feel a lot better. LOTS. I’ve talked about my hatred for her to Cagey before but I had shied away with mentioning the subject publicly because I didn’t want to make Big Bird look like the bad guy (which I don’t think he is). But I am happy I did-because petty as this is, it has given me an enormous amount of peace to tell the entire internet that 1) She quit graduate school after a decade to settle for a masters (a) Quitter! b) Philosophy!) 2) That she is a complete failure at anything sensible at the age of 33 (OMG)-you know, like employment or finding an apartment. Because she’s never had a job. Have I mentioned that part? That she’s stupid and has never held a job? Because she’s never had a job, you guys. In a decade. Because she’s a complete nutcase and she can’t even finish a freaking graduate degree in 10 years without wigging out. You know, not to draw comparisons…but I will. Moi-3 years to finish law degree, 1 year to get 2 law licenses & has been steadily employed as an attorney for over 3.5 years, found apartments by self, manages life effectively and I’m YOUNGER. And have an awesome nose. Am I the world’s best interviewer? No-but I can proudly say that I got into law school by myself (my parents aren’t associated with my university), that I found my job myself, that I had an offer upon graduating with my degree and you know, while I may not have been independent at 18 like many Americans, I also did what my parents asked of me (graduate degree in a certain limited number of fields) and that after I started working as an attorney the only thing they’ve done for me have been favours and gifts (very limited financially, I don’t pay to fly but that’s because my parents have 10 free tickets at any time). But I lived in that crappy apartment for 2 years while collecting my pre-GS13 salary because it was the responsible thing not to ask my parents for the rent to live in a better area. I leased my car for 3 years and then paid it off because I had a job and that’s what I needed to do. I don’t leech off of friends that are more successful than I am-it just makes me work harder and think about how to rearrange my own life.
But that’s neither here nor there-what appalls me about her is not her utter ineptitude at seguing into adult life (a decade too late). I just enjoy telling you guys all about it as my form of backstabbing revenge (since I’m restraining myself from beating her into a bloody pulp in person). It is the reprehensible manner in which she treats people she considers “unimportant”. And the way she treated me is the way people treat the so-called “trophy girlfriend”. Which irritates me because for the love of god, can you imagine anyone less trophyish than me? What kind of guy decides to date a fanged barracuda for a trophy? Aren’t trophy-wife/girlfriends supposed to be, well, less gobliney? I mean, I’m not saying I’m hideous (I think I qualify as cute) but what I am is a pretty, professional woman. I am not a model/waitress. There are a lot of those in California and if BB wanted to buy date one I’m sure he could because he really is that level of successful. But even if I were, does it not say something about an individual that they are so willing to make another person at the table feel ignored and unwanted and insignificant? Even if I meet a significant other of a friend and they come off as…well, the relationship comes off as “hmmm”, I’m not going to be mean to that person!! I’m not going to ignore them, I’m never sarcastic to people I meet for the first time (my humour is rarely at the expense of others as I consider it rather unimaginative) and I’m certainly not going to publicly advise my friend on other people I want him/her to date in front of their paramour. It betrays an enormous lack of sensitivity, kindness and general savoir faire as it relates to handling interactions with other human beings. What it shows me is that Speshul Snowflake (that’s her new nickname, btw) is an enormously self-centred person and one who has decided that she does not feel obligated to lower herself to be nice to anyone she considers to be beyond her narrow margin of “acceptable person” (Ivy Plus, rich, willing to help her or party with her). And she proved that to me, finally, this weekend when she told Big Bird that she considers it to be below her duties to talk to everyone at the table over dinner, or that she has a social obligation to include other people in conversations and not just talk endlessly about her (life failure-long unemployed-humpnosed-unattractive- perpetually single-master’s in philosophy because she quit her doctoral program) speshul snowflake self.
So here’s what I want to say about Big Bird (and no, he did not pay me to say this). I do feel that I have taken my anger at her wretchedness out on him beyond what I should have. The thing about Big Bird is that the very thing that keeps him being nice to her (to my roiling rage) is ultimately what I really love about him and what attracted me in the first place. He is, truly, one of the nicest guys ever. He is polite to everyone I have ever introduced him to, he is generous and he always helps people as much as he can even though some of those people don’t necessarily give back as much as they should (SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE). He truly is a sweetheart and if I told you what he actually does for a living and then you met him, you’d probably be like really? Him? Because that was my reaction when we first met-really? That’s what you do for a living? Because for the most part, there are certain professions in this world that attract douchebags for miles around and his is one of them. Don’t get me wrong, so is mine, which is why when people meet me they often say…really? A lawyer? I think you can kind of tell in that I’m willing to be argued with without taking it personally (one of the better traits attorneys have) but I won’t pretend that the reputations most attorneys have is undeserved. I have worked really really really hard not to fall into the trap so many lawyers do (stopping unnecessarily nitpicking other proclamations people make, being arrogant etc.). Big Bird is the same way-for being as successful as he is, well, he’s not a douchebag. And not just Not a Douchebag, but a genuinely good guy in many respects who has worked to try to make me happy.
So in terms of the “stepping up”-a lot of my irritation has been about the fact that he was so circumspect about it, which has only served to embolden the Speshul Snowflake and plant the notion in her head that he thinks she had any sort of call to treat me the way she did. He completely agrees that she was awful but his style is to be more kindly the first time around whereas my style is to pull out my knife and basically tell the other person “Mess with my man and I will CUT YOU.” This is how I show love (By cutting a b*tch) while to BB the issue is to make everyone get along and try to gently correct the behaviour in the Speshul Snowflake because he thinks she can be a better person (*snort*). And part of our, umm, dissenting opinions, centre around whether or not I should, as you guys have all suggested, be the bigger person.
See, my reaction is “well, if you won’t cut her for me, I’ll cut her myself!” whereas I think what everyone has suggested is
a) Don’t take your anger out on him because she’s a c*nt, it just makes you look bad
b) Plot your revenge carefully and while being really nice to her.
c) You are the nicer person, don’t lower yourself
And you know what? You’re right. You’re all right and in his own circumlocutive way, BB has been trying to tell me the same thing but I’ve just been so consumed with having been Wronged and focusing on the rage that the Wrongedness makes me feel, that it was hard for me to see it. But now that I have told the whole wide internet what a loser she is, I can kind of see it for what it is and I do agree that the tack you are all proposing I take is the better one.
Oh yeah, as an aside, I do want to say that I have been to BB’s place once and there is no real nefarious reason as to why we spend more time at my place. Remember in Bridge Jone’s Diary (the sequel) where she and Mark Darcy are dating but he never wants to go to his posh house and always likes to stay at her apartment because it’s “cosy”? Same kind of thing. BB has a big place up north that he barely ever lives in (his refrigerator is HILARIOUS) because he travels so much and he asserts that my place is “homey”. That said, I do want to visit him once in a while simply because while I can curb my anger at the Speshul Snowflake, I can’t allow her to draw him in to her sticky web and deliberately exclude me.
After all, there is being nice and there’s bending over and I’ve become way too good with my high kick to take it from a moron like her. SUCH AS SHE.
ETA:
A couple of things-BB wanted me to tell you that one of you nailed it with your description of the Speshul Snowflake. Jen, come on down, you are totally right when you say
Honestly? She sounds c-r-a-z-y. Like, people walk on eggshells around her and give her what she wants because the pain and agony of listening to her complain when she doesn’t get what she wants is worse. I’m guessing she subjects people to long, painful phone calls or demands ridiculous favors (like the dropping her off and chauffeuring thing) whenever she’s “hurt” and that’s why they just put up with her.
Wow. That’s hilariously close to the mark, to the point where Big Bird was like “whoah, Commenter 6 has her nailed without ever meeting her.” I mean, every one of you gave good advice (don’t yell at him about her! Gotcha!) but dang. How did you do that, Jen? Do you know her or something? What’s ultra-hilarious about this is that BB and his friend were having this conversation about her where basically they both admitted to each other that even though they disagree with her, they’ll just say “whatever, okay” to SHUT HER UP because it is, as Jen pointed out, painful. BB does these hilarious impressions of her, actually, that I’d love to type out but even I have my limits as to what I’ll tattle on to the internet.
So I guess the question you might ask is “why have a friend like that?” and I will say that to a certain point, I understand. Because I have a friend like that from law school and it’s not super complex. Certain professions are about networking. Certain schools (like the one BB attended) lend themselves to a very closely knit networking organisation and you Play Nice even when the person is an annoying tw*t. I learned too late that you have to play the game to get ahead and part of why I asked for advice last night is that I recognise that people who say “f*ck it” don’t get ahead in life. The Speshul Snowflake is not useful in and of herself but she’s part of a certain network he and others find useful and to that end they all mollify her so that she doesn’t shoot her mouth off and ruin reputations because you know, she doesn’t think very hard.
I’d also like to say that what Erin/EEK said is ultimately right-in the grand scheme of things the Speshul Snowflake is extremely unimportant so f*ck her.
Finally, thank you to MDH and M&Co. for helping me figure out how to put the privacy settings on. Check the comments to this post. I’m going to lock this one tomorrow.
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